The Night Before Christmas in 2021

‘Twas the time before Christmas, having quarantined thro’ much of 2021
Not a question of shaken or stirred, had World War C only just begun;
The stocks and logistics of supplies found disruptions despite the greatest of care,
Hopefully there’d be a solution, changing rules, seasonal workers here and there;
The children were home and unsettled, parents smuggled contraceptives to bed,
While visions other than eating turkey or ham caused a spike in protein instead
And America with a new Commander in Chief, not fond of tweets or wearing a cap,
Had settled some conspiracies, but not of his brains, and old, did he need a nap–
When out in the world arose questions of change, the Ukraine, and Russian clatter,
Alleged forced disappearance made boycotting Chinese Olympics a political matter.
Away from spotlights a British consort and German leadership changed in a flash,
Torn between reopeners and stay shutters, South Africa stuffed more in the mash.
The new variant of concern the Seussian WHOs felt could Grinch the whole show,
Dr. Strangelove said stop worrying, we’ll live with it, and learn to love it you know;
When, pondering between alphabet soup or Greek salad, a psi-phi pi did appear,
But a meta-reference infinitely obscure, only understood by the three wisest here,
With notions of a third booster jab, hopefully for the vaccinated not merely tricks,
Anti-vaxxers knew of fake illness, changing DNA, and injecting magnetic microchips.
More rapidly masks removed to eat, drink, and stream squids as game,
And mix seafood, and dairy, humans or wet markets one and the same:
Now! Delta’s been done! Letter or number? QR codes and Omicron,
Afghanistan, Muhammad handcuff Blixem and throw Dunder in prison;
To the top of the offensive and sacrilegious scorch! To the top of it all!
Now dashed, writing SARS-CoV-2 lineage B.1.1.529, too much effort for all!
As Santa chimed in, before I was known as St. Nicholas that’s why,
Well bobtail my ring, said JC, try being demoted to the other guy;
Bah-humbug, Scrooge hated both COVID-19 and covid, he knew,
Don’t feel bad, because xmas used to be known as Christmas too:
And then in a twinkling, Santa offered further proof
Before lockdowns, no beard, clean-shaven, that’s truth.
As science and religion drew to a head, things needed turning around,
Never mind chimneys, litters of worn and discarded masks did abound:
Trees dress’d all in fir, and decorated from their head to their foot.
And with the price of lumber, too costly to burn to ashes and soot;
A bundle of clichés and tropes Santa now sought to unpack,
And as the elves had prepared, in ESG matters they did lack:
His eyes – how they twinkled! Toys for good girl, boy, non-binary,
His face rosy from tipple, knows AA meetings deploy in February;
Property prices were hot even in the North Pole you know,
And Frosty wished he somehow was not made of snow;
No more lumps of coal for the naughty, Santa said through gritted teeth,
And no smoke, carbon neutral was a lesson Krampus was willing to teach.
He had broadly faced, that the other end of flying reindeers’ methane is smelly
So shook loose some panic-bought toilet paper hoarded since Twenty Twenty:
A Mayan calendar mix-up of digits, a right jolly old end-of-the-world-style 2012,
And can’t help but laugh given pandemics, volcanoes, crazy weather, and else;
A wink of his eye and exercising with a twist of his head
Soon white snow, black ice, candy canes green and red.
He spoke not a word, but saw his home office where he had pretended to work,
And wearing PJs, masks, a fashionable lifestyle choice; not a kids’ show you jerk,
And get yet another PCR or rapid antigen test if he so chose
And giving a nod, in the mouth, then up it went, right up his nose.
He sprung to his phone, the results came back, he was clean as a whistle,
And away he flew, whilst wearing a mask, there’d be no sharing of spittle:
But common sense he exclaimed, ere we not give in to fright–
Merry Christmas to all, and to all of 2021 good night!